Postpartum Grief Care

You are postpartum after Grief. Reflections post Grief Ritual.

Jan 15, 2024

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A couple days after returning from my most recent community tending Grief Ritual, or Grief Lodge as it’s sometimes called, I listened to a pre-recorded class with body worker and birthworker, Kimberly Ann Johnson called Tending the Postpartum Nervous System. It struck me that the postpartum time I want for new Mothers/birthing people, is very similar to the kind of care I think those of us doing the work of grieving together need as well. While the word postpartum translates directly to “after giving birth,” the etymology enriches our understanding the word and affirms for me that saying you are postpartum after grief is apt. In grief work as well as birthing - we bring forth. After giving birth grief. Or, After giving birth to grief.

1844, from Latin post (“after”) + partum (“giving birth”),^[1] form of partus, from pariō (“I give birth”), from Proto-Indo-European *per- (“to bring forth”).

-Wiktionary

In many ways going through two full days (or more in some cases) of community grieving, what it asks of our nervous systems, bodies, bones, and our hearts and heads especially, re-attunes us to a more true state of being human. Post-grief ritual, similar to post birth (especially a physiologic undisturbed birth), we are more cracked open, often shaken in a deep way, old things have risen from calcified stuff, new aches and pains have surfaced and yet we feel more alive, elated at LIFE, less alone, and often more powerful, moving slowly as we re-enter society from the grief or birth portal, that liminal space where Time shapeshifts, and we rely on old wisdom carried in our DNA.

It’s not lost on me that we are living in a time and place where Birth and Death are becoming ever more divorced and displaced from place informed living, from community, from Nature and the natural order of things, from ritual, from deep witness, celebration, and care, and perhaps most importantly and simply- divorced from the home. As both Birth and Death have become increasingly taken from home to the hospital (As a doula I know that statistically less than 2% of all births in the United States happen at home anymore; I don’t know how many deaths still happen at home, but I would bet it’s fairly low too), machines, surgeons, synthetic drugs and all sorts of "advanced” medical technologies now subsume the collective wealth of wisdom once shared by people who were birthed and died, at home.

In a sane place, in a sane time, we would be welcomed to Earth, welcomed back from Grief, tended to in birth and in death in similar fashions.

grayscale photography of a new born baby — Photo by Alex Hockett on Unsplash

There are Five Universal Needs that have been found in cultures around the world for the Postpartum time period. They include:

Extended Rest Period
Nourishing Food
Presence of wise people and spiritual companionship
Contact with Nature
Loving Touch

Below is a screen grab from Kimberly’s presentation. I’ve modified the language to be less gendered since the presence of any wise person post grief lodge (or postpartum) is what matters; and perhaps more specifically a wise person who’s been there.

One of the things that struck me in Kimberly’s presentation is about the first universal need- the need for extended rest. In all of the academic pieces I’ve read about postpartum ritual and care, from countless doula and midwife opinions (I have yet to hear any OB/GYN or CNM name this), the first 40 days is the common prescription for postpartum rest. My last midwife, Leslie Gesner, told me to rest like so: "The first week in bed. The second week on the couch. The third week in the house. The fourth week on the property.” Kimberly emphasized that in our busy, capitalist, work addicted, noisy culture, the first 40 days of postpartum rest really needs to extend much much further. While I won’t go into the political and cultural implications of what it would mean were we mothers and birthing people truly fucking supported in our postpartum time, with extended rest, postpartum care, and paid leave of course guaranteed for the first year postpartum, suffice it to say, we’d have a different world. This is why I am so passionate about educating birth clients and supporting them in the postpartum time, and really any friend or person who care to listen. It says a lot about what a culture values in how we tend to Birth, Death, and Grief. While a labor doula is incredibly beneficial (a must have when birthing in hospital), I have come to believe that a postpartum doula might be even more important. As one of my postpartum doula teachers likes to say:

Birth is a moment

Postpartum is forever

-Erika Davis, doula, mother, educator

Yarrow- Achillea millefolium- one of my long time favorite plant friends!!!

With that in mind, here are my ideas for postpartum grief care alongside my own reflections of my integration process. Let me know in the comments what you would add to this list and how it’s going for you… feel free to reflect on your own post-partum and/or post grief experiences.

Postpartum Grief Care

Extended Rest
Facilitator Alexandra "Ahlay” Blakely recommended we grief ritual participants take the next day off if possible. I would also add that this extended rest period needs to factor in things like going to bed earlier for at least the first week post grief lodge. This extended rest period also might look like being really great around screen boundaries, incorporating more restorative yoga poses than you might typically do, taking naps, allotting time each day to just sit in stillness, or better yet lie supine on the ground in savasana (corpse pose). Check in with yourself and ask "What type of rest do I need today?”

Upon my return after this last ritual I rested Day One- went for an early morning walk outside, had quiet time alone writing in my studio, helped my husband cook a delicious dinner (a shrimp gumbo which you know my Southern heart loves); Day Two went to town, did a lot of things out in public; Day Three promptly crashed and could hardly got off the couch all day. I am writing this on Day Four. My sleep has also been thrown off since it was just after Daylight Savings time change. For each of us how we rest and what that looks like will differ given our work and life schedules and capacities. (AND a reminder I was doing all this while in the first half of my 3rd pregnancy.)
Nourishing Food
Ideally you are not going from post grief ritual right into feeding yourself. For those of us who’ve participated in a few of these, I’ve learned to plan ahead, and to make sure I have meat stock or broth defrosted, a hearty stew already made, or planned with my spouse for him to have dinner ready for me upon my return. Nourishing food for me includes an emphasis on grounding well cooked foods as they are easier to digest (the same thing I recommend for postpartum birthers). Post grief our bowels are hopefully working well as we digest and metabolize the grief and rage we’ve just shared, celebrated, and held for one another. Thus, incorporating warming foods like soups (chicken noodle, pumpkin, Italian wedding soup, potato leek), stews (beef, chili, chicken and rice), porridge (oatmeal, cream of wheat, congee) and broths are another way we can be gentle with ourselves as these are easier to digest than raw foods. However, I happily consumed a fresh salad with a homemade creamy dressing alongside simple baked potatoes and it hit the spot- it’s about balance more than anything. This may be a wonderful opportunity to feed yourself foods you loved as a child, or if there are any recipes that connect you more deeply to family and loved ones. I made blueberry muffins this week from scratch with blueberries I harvested earlier this summer with my two children.
As an herbalist, I also love to incorporate plant beloveds to assist in my grief reintegration process. Here are some of my favorites:
1. Nettles- an overnight infusion is how I like my nettles best. This creates a dark rich green brew chock full of micro-nutrients. You can season it with salt or honey. I like to drink it room temperature or warmed slightly. In summer I drink it cold and add lemon or lime juice.
2. Rose- Rose is the renown tender of the heart. I love Rose best in an elixir form taken straight or mixed with a little sparkling water, or in Rosewater i.e. hydrosol form sprayed all over my face.
3. Ginger Root- Due to its spicy aromatic and warming properties, ginger is a wonderful addition to either our Nettle infusion or simmered on the stovetop for a good 15-20 minutes, sweetened with honey and drunk on its own.
4. Evergreens- Many of us, if we go far back enough to our pre-colonized ancestors had Trees as kin. I’ve been a Tree lover as long as I can remember. Thus, I love love love to connect with them via either an aromatic steam- place cuttings of your favorite evergreen tree in a stainless steel or glass pot of boiling water, let simmer and fill your home with their scent; a hydrosol, or perhaps my favorite of all time- a whole plant infused oil which you then use for oiling the skin in self massage, pre or post bath or shower. Oiling the body is hands down one of my favorite ways to soothe my nervous system.
5. Yarrow- Yarrow is one of my oldest herbal medicine friends. Yarrow is known as the healer of wounds, the protector, the boundary keeper. Yarrow is bitter and aromatic and may be too strong during this time of reintegration when taken in some of the standard forms often recommended i.e. tincture or tea. Some gentler forms of working with Yarrow could be by pouring Yarrow tea into your bath, an aromatic steam of Yarrow simmering in a pot on the stove to fill your home, sprayed on your face and body in hydrosol form, or again in oil form and massaged onto your skin.
Presence of Wise People/Wise Ones & Spiritual Companionship
For me this is the hardest one post grief integration. I’m fortunate that my husband has done a lot of deep work, including a community grief ritual, so he really understands and supports me in this work. Other than that I don’t have many close friends in town that I see regularly enough that I can connect with who have participated specifically in this work.

For me this often looks more like going to books and music- I re-read parts of Francis Weller’s book The Wild Edge of Sorrow or Martín Prechtel’s book The Smell of Rain on Dust; I listened and wept to Leonard Cohen’s last album You Want it Darker; I played Ma Muse’s song Soul Sister on repeat, I wrote and recorded some tiny songs myself; I went to Laurence Cole’s website and sang along with some of those tracks- I love THIS ONE especially!
Singing, reading and writing are three of my life long spiritual companions, so I definitely filled my days with those during the re-integration time.

But this is another deep grief right? The lack of intact village or even a home filled with people who get it, who are so happy when you come back post grief ritual that there is a feast in your honor, songs sung to thank you, that kind of thing…because they understand that our culture cannot be healthy with grief ritual.
The work of communal grieving is an important part of weaving this current modern fractured human existence into health and wholeness.
May there be a day in our children’s futures when there are new place based cultures thriving and whole- where grievers and mothers/birthers are deeply supported, witnessed, and celebrated
Contact with Nature & the Elements
Living on 10 acres, with open fields and mountain views, being somewhat of an introvert and a nature loving person, this one comes fairly easily. Just watching the sunrise this morning brought me joy. Noticing how Cottonwoods all yellowed over the prior week. Going outside at night to see the stars. I went and said hello to a Big Leaf Maple I love. Contact with Nature does not have to be extended, while I’d love to go for a 5 mile hike, that’s not feasible with my toddler’s life right now, so stroller walks on the road are where it’s at- attuning my gaze to Snowberry bushes, Hawks circling overhead or what Clouds happen to be doing today, the quality of the air on my skin.
Immersion in water- particularly wild water- lakes or rivers or the sea is highly recommended. For postpartum people immersion in cold water is considered depleting to your life force energy; while I’ve done a fair share of cold water swimming and plunges,being pregnant now that doesn’t feel right to me. However, walking by the lake feels wonderful. Taking a warm bath with loads of epsom salts in my pitch dark bathroom with only a candle or two, then followed by a quick cold shower felt right. Any way you can connect to the elements is helpful - I burn candles at our dinner table nightly, we always sleep with our windows cracked, I try to get outside for at least an hour a day, but even just gazing out the window at the skies the trees, listening for birds, are all wonderful ways to ground and connect.
Loving Touch- Wouldn’t it be great if we had socialized medicine and bodywork was covered??!? Man oh man. I get a lot of loving touch from my toddler. Occasionally my teen son really hugs me back and actually will pretty regularly give me a good head and shoulder massage when I ask him. But touch from your kids as a parent is not the kind of loving touch this mom really is desiring right now. My husband gave me some good hugs. And yet- I need more love!!! I need an entire day of massage and acupuncture and reiki. I want to be made love to for four hours straight. I’ve now participated in three different 2-3 days grief rituals and by the end of each one I have consistently felt a surge in erotic energy. The pull of the body to be in deep sensual intimate communion with another- which for a variety of reasons in my own partnership is not accessible at the moment- another deep grief. I also felt this surge of erotic energy after the birth of my 2nd child, my daughter- a birth that was far easier and less traumatic than my first, where I felt like I called all the shots, trusted my body, birthing my baby into my husbands hands. Our wombs carry so much. Thus, those of with wombs might be well served in receiving or self-administering a womb massage. Follow this up with a castor oil pack for another level of support.
If you are not able to receive paid body work, maybe there is a friend who could come over to cuddle you, massage you, play with your hair, scratch your back. Even sitting side by side bodies pressed together with a loved one is a simple yet sweet source of loving touch.