TENDERS- #3, June 2025 with Eloisa Cary
Welcome to Month #3 of my new interview series- TENDERS!
In case you missed the launch interview, in which I interview yours truly, it’s here or last month’s interview with writer Laurie Parker, which one reader texted me after reading with "I teared up”- find that one here.
This month’s interview is with a community member near and dear to me- local Whatcom County, WA based midwife Eloisa Cary. Eloisa has been attending births for over twenty years. She was our midwife in 2024 for the home birth of our baby Lars.
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In Bellingham [WA] certified nurse midwives and licensed midwives together attend up to 35% of the births in this area, whereas across the nation it’s still about one percent. - Eloisa Cary
If you have someone you think would be a good fit for the TENDERS interview series- please send me an email. I always looking forward to hearing from you.
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Tenders Interview Series
with Eloisa Cary
How is the weather in your corner of your world these days? Your physical, mental, spiritual weather? (note- Eloisa answered my interview questions over this past winter)
The weather in Bellingham is rainy and gray with some cold sunshine breaks here and there. My physical weather moves a little slower, this time of year without the energy of warm sunshine. Mentally it’s a time of cocooning and cozying up. Although, with the return of spring and more sunshine, I definitely feel the lightness returning.
What are you tuned into/praising and/or grieving in particular?
These days I spend a lot of time praising the presence of my husband and children as well as being given a gift of doing work that I have full passion for. I know our time together in this life is fleeting which is something I also grieve.You’ve been working as a midwife for several decades now. How did this calling come to you?
For as long as I can remember, I have loved babies. When I was six, my mother was called to the neighbor’s house to help with a baby being born quickly. I joined her given small tasks of bringing washcloths and water, oils and blankets. That was the moment I knew this was something I wanted for my life. At the time, I did not know about Midwifery. My path to this calling took a windy route, but after going through the pre-med program and shadowing a doctor, I realized there has to be another way and I went seeking out options. Shortly thereafter, I became pregnant with my first daughter and got to experience all the positive outcomes of having my own home birth. This transformation left me longing to share my amazing journey with other women and their families. This blends into the next question… Why did you want to be a midwife? During my first pregnancy, I found the program at Seattle Midwifery school and I knew there couldn’t be a better calling. Bringing babies into the world gently and riding alongside women during this transformative experience was what my heart longed for. What challenges have you faced? I think there are two challenges that have been hard for me. First, is that I am a very empathetic person. So, if there is an unfavorable outcome or the family is unhappy in some way, I carry that with me forever. I do believe it makes me a better care provider, but sometimes the weight feels heavy. Second is balance. I am getting a little bit better at this in my older years, but I have a big heart so it is hard for me to turn people away if they need care. Sometimes this creates an over full life which can be hard to balance the caring for a large family at the same time as caring for a high volume of clients.For readers unfamiliar with the work of home birth and freestanding birth center midwife- tell me a little about what differs from Midwife care from say a certified nurse midwife or even an obstetrician/gynecologist.
I am a licensed midwife, so I have to abide by Department of health guidelines and can care for normal, healthy, low risk women and babies. Certified Nurse Midwives primarily work in the hospital and can sometimes care for women who have slightly higher medical needs. For example, we cannot use Pitocin for induction because it’s a little higher risk for the baby, but a certified nurse midwife can. Obstetricians are high risk providers and surgeons. They are specialists for women and babies who are high risk. For example, obstetricians are trained to care for people carrying twins, those with epilepsy, insulin-dependent diabetes, heart conditions, etc.
At the turn of the 20th century most babies were born at home attended by midwives, now planned home births make up less than 2% of all births in this country. What happened?
It is a complex answer but I am aware of several factors. One is that anesthesia became available in hospitals, and the wealthy were encouraged to think of using anesthesia during childbirth as a more evolved or civilized option. They also were public smear campaigns using propaganda to personify midwives as dirty and untrained, even as many of them had delivered thousands of babies with excellent outcomes. Additionally, transportation became more readily available, which allowed people to travel to a different location than their home. The hospital was a new experience that early on only a wealthier economic class could afford.In ancient Ireland and Scotland the midwives were also the keeners- the ones who performed grief sounds over the dead. I feel like there's a fine line between ushering life and ushering it out. How does grief inform your midwifery practice?
Before I became a midwife, I worked in an Elder Care Facility that was very small with just seven sweet little old ladies. Providing care as they were on their way out did feel very similar to midwifery and providing care to tiny humans riding earth side. During the child bearing age 30% of women will experience a loss at some point. I believe the experience I had caring for families whose loved ones were finished with this life has helps me to guide women who have a loss during the child bearing stage of life.You are a Mother to five daughters. How do you make time for yourself and your family given the on-call nature of your work?
I do my best not to commit to anything other than the very most important things in my life which does mean I miss out sometimes but free space in my life is extremely limited, I am continually learning about boundaries and the importance of them. I also do my best to combine tasks, for example, walking while I return emails, standing leg workouts while I fold laundry, squatting, while I do a task like chop veggies or brush my teeth, stretching during movie night etc. I have a very supportive partner who works part-time as a massage therapist. He is also a great father and very invested at home. I do believe this is the only way I am able to do the work that I do. I have done this work from the time that my children were being born, most of whom accompanied me to work for the first year of life and have only ever known me being on a call. The work I do has been a prevalent topic in our lives so they are not sheltered from the critical need for gentle loving medical care in our community. This helps them to understand the importance of this work and do their best to be forgiving when I must shift gears from caring for them to caring for laboring women and babies. What self care or community care practices have you found most helpful in doing the work that you do? Self-care for me is few and far between only because it’s not something I have an historically struggle with. In my older age, I am learning the importance of this. I feel best when I combine it with bonding with a friend or family member. So, I try to walk with a companion or do my gardening while including my family. We have a small farm, which is a team effort. It is important to me to have a some amount of playtime each week where we do board games, artwork, puzzles or family meals in a celebratory way.
What teachers/practitioners/beings and or places (lived or dead) have been instrumental in your life?
What teachers/practitioners/beings and or places (lived or dead) have been instrumental in your life? The most instrumental person in my life I would say, has to be my mother, second my grandfather, and third, my father. From a very young age, I would say the author who got me through the most of my challenges during childhood an early adolescence was Dan Millman. As an adult most of my instructors at Smith College and amazing midwives who proceeded me, including: Ina May Gaskin, Penny Simpkin, Susie Myers, Marge Mansfield, Audrey Levine, Traci Palagi, JoAnne Meyer Ciecko, Annie Moffat, Cynthia Jaffe*, Winni McNamara, Catriona Munro, and Christine Gibbs were definitely some of my most influential teachers. Additionally, a local practitioner whose guidance I have cherished is Connie Feutz. I also feel very much in sync with the teachers: Brené Brown, John and Maya Kabbot-Zinn, John Gottman, Sue Johnson, Tino Hahn, Marshall, Rosenberg, and Harvelle Hendrix. The teachers that I continue to learn from on a daily basis and those who have truly taught me so much over the years include husband and children, my current business partner Haley, my student midwives, and my clients.
We know that around the world costume, clothing, and adornment carry rich meaning especially when it comes to ritual and ceremony. Do you have any particular items of clothing or accessories that are sacred to you and why?
A priority for me is something comfortable as I am often up and going in the night. So items that look, professional, but feel like pajamas are are lovely. I almost always wear layers, including a skirt with a pair of cozy pants underneath. Primarily this is because it can be very warm in a birthing room but when you step outside, it’s quite chilly. I have never really worn jewelry because I have found it can get in the way if I am leaning over a birth tub to have my necklace go swimming or a ring feel painful if I am touching a client. However, I have always worn my wedding ring and will continue to do so. It is a symbol of the other, most transformative, experience in my life. Most recently my two daughters have gifted me with some very special jewelry that I love. One is a necklace that can have essential oils in it and since I don’t wear perfume due to sensitive smells with women it is quite perfect. I can wear it with a tiny amount of something pretty pure, but take it off if it’s bothering someone. The other is a spoon necklace that feels like a right of passage from my eldest, it is long enough that I can throw it behind my back and tuck it into my shirt if it’s in the way.
I think a lot of people don’t understand the political climate that out of hospital midwives are navigating in and how much of a community service midwives offer. How is it going now and what do you see as the future of midwifery care in this community?
Currently, I would say the political climate is mediocre. In the past it has been more difficult to navigate. Previously, some of the hospital providers seemed very anti-midwifery and home or birth-center birth. Out of hospital midwives would more often be reported to the Department of Health for assisting women when something might be on the edge of normal. We currently have a Smooth Transitions** program at Saint Joseph’s Hospital, which is a tremendous help for improving continuity of care for clients when an emergency comes up as well as acknowledging that humans have the right to choose their birth experience. I am hopeful that the future of midwifery will continue to improve and thrive in Bellingham. In Bellingham certified nurse midwives and licensed midwives together attend up to 35% of the births in this area, whereas across the nation it’s still about one percent.And… last but not least- what is a favorite sad song of yours that can be added to the ongoing Tears of Things playlist?
This one is hard for me to choose so I will list some top picks that have particular significance for me in some way: Skin (SaraBeth) by Rascal Flatts, 2004 Dear Mr. Jesus, Next Thing You Know by Jordan Davis, Don’t Laugh at Me by Mark Willis, Wish You Were Here by Mark Willis, How Do You Get That Lonely by Blaine Larson, What if She’s An Angel by Tony Steiner, Never Grow Up by Taylor Swift, Supermarket Flowers by Ed Sheeran, Butterfly Kisses: Bob Carlisle, Jeff Carson, the Raybon Brothers, Westlife and Cliff Richard
Thank you Eloisa!
*Cynthia Jaffe was my first midwife for my oldest son Weston’s birth in 2009 and ran the Greenbank Birth Center on Whidbey Island. She retired from midwifery practice a year or two ago.
**Learn more about what the Smooth Transitions program here